My heart dropped this morning for the first time in a long time when Caleb told us lightheartedly that some of the kids in the neighborhood and he play Truth or Dare sometimes, and that once one of the kids dared him to pull down his pants - and he did. Not his underwear, he said. Just his pants. I fought back my tears as in my mind I fast forwarded his life 30 years to him getting flashbacks of a childhood of sexual abuse. Of some neighborhood "friend" or trusted parent playing silly games with him that led to more than just laughter, but to shame and forever messed up everything.
Having grown up in a household where my own mother's flashbacks started when she was 38 - not much older than I am now...when I was not much older than Caleb is now, my greatest fear is that something like that will happen to my own children that I won't know about or have control of. I am constantly paranoid that some older kid they play with or the ice cream truck guys have ulterior motives. I am, however, aware that I do not want to smother my children, so we give them plenty of freedoms. We let them down the street a few houses to play on a neighbor's porch, or to a close friend's backyard - we feel safe enough about this. But, what do we do when they start playing truth or dare on that front porch and pulling their pants down at the request of others?
Caleb sat with me outside on a picnic table chair this afternoon as Jon and I chatted with him about the game and about his friends and about how he felt, etc. It made my heart ache looking down at my sweet angel who had a scraped knee from his fall off the swingset, and at the crumbs on his shirt from the Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich he'd just finished. He's just a baby, yet here we were talking about such heavy stuff. He said that he felt like he had to do it because he'd been dared to, but that he really didn't want to. UGH!! If that doesn't make a mother's heart explode...
Because this is such an emotional subject for me, Jon is the more level headed one with this. He assures me that we are working now to nip this in the bud and lay groundwork to be certain that this doesn't continue. Caleb knows he isn't allowed to play that game, and he knows why. He knows that a few of his best friends are for sure not allowed to play, so if anyone ever asks them to play, he can say no, and they can all walk away together. That's if I ever let him out of my sight again!!
It's easy to brush off a simple game like that as "curiosity" or whatever. But...what if it's not? What if childhood sexual abuse is so common that we have just become familiar with these twisted little games to the point where they seem "normal" to us now? We have not raised our children to believe that it would EVER be normal or okay to request of their friend to take off their pants. I will not justify something that is unacceptable by believing that every child plays this game.
So, I put my baby to bed tonight and prayed over him for protection from the sicknesses of this world. I thank God for Caleb's desire to do what he feels is right, and for his desire to be honest with his Mommy and Daddy. I prayed over Hannah and Johnny and Lily - for that protection. I am so afraid - what a huge responsibility we have been given to raise these babies. It has never felt quite so heavy as it has today.
I will go to bed tonight assured that my child hasn't been harmed or scarred for life, and with the confidence that our discovery of this "game" truly has enabled us to bring this to an end - for now. But I still will go to bed with my biggest fear remaining... and it's quite an uneasy feeling...
I'm a frugal Momma these days....
15 years ago
