As a couple of friends have recently blogged about the role of women in the church, the workplace and the home, I thought I would share a story, and see what you thought.
A little while back I was visiting a stay-at-home mom friend for the day with my kids. I was there pretty early in the morning - before her husband left for work - and was planning to stay through dinner. It was going to be a fun day of chatting as moms in similar life situations, and watching our kids play with each other, which didn't happen often enough. I sure wasn't thinking much about cleaning and cooking that day. It was just gonna be fun and relaxing.
The husband came downstairs ready for work. He kissed his kids good-bye, kissed my friend good-bye, and headed for the door. He turned around just before his final exit and said to my friend, "Oh, and I expect the house to be clean by the time I get home." I laughed out loud, thinking it was a joke. I was the only one laughing (woops!), and my friend said lovingly and with a smile, "Okay, honey." Oh, okay. Was that for real? I guess it was.
What I had thought was a joke was not meant to be funny at all. That was just the way it worked in their house. While my friend is in charge of keeping the house, she's sort of just the manager while her husband is the CEO of the home. I understand that this is the way some families work, but I was surprised to find myself in the middle of that.
What are your thoughts on this situation?
I'm a frugal Momma these days....
14 years ago
12 comments:
that's what Mandy says to me every time she leaves for work...
...not really. this isone of those things that i've found myself having to really examine...especially as i am in the middle of doin marriage counseling for an engaged couple. here's my thought...marriage is an everlasting exercise in two people working together becoming one. because no two people are alike...to suggest some kind of prescription for roles in a marriage is a bit silly. what needs to happen is for the 2 people in a marriage to understand the roles given them in the scriptures...to love one another and to live for one another...and to determine together how they will succeed in the everlasting exercise. there is no wrong way...unless love is absent...then, no matter how it plays out...its all wrong
Nick, that's great! I completely agree. I do need to add that I am very okay with my friend and her husband having the roles that they do within their family structure - because they are okay with it, and it is Biblical for them to be this way. I was just talking to friend about this, and saying that as long as someone is not suggesting that EVERY couple needs to be this way, it's fine - as long as the love is present.
Thanks for your input, and I'm guessing you're doing a fine job counseling this couple.
That sounds more like a parent-child relationship than a CEO. To say such a thing (especially in front of a non-family member) is not instructive or coaching or managerial like the role of a CEO, but controlling and power-thrusting and domineering. I know I wouldn't want to be domineered and stamped down by someone I loved and I can't say I know any adults who would. I guess I have to disagree that there is love in a situation like that.
Well... adult, human, marital love anyway. I could love a dog but still use my power to control the animal in learning how to sit, stay, and rollover. The core of teaching a dog involves a small amount of breaking its spirit; the spirit of its freedom. I can say with all certainty that marital love should never be about the breaking of anyone's spirit, even in small doses.
Interesting story. On the surface I would say that this realionship is not consistant with what I'd call healthy.
But, what if...
What if they had had a conversation the night before and this was their agreed upon method of staying accountable?
What if this was a real indicator of an abusive relationship?
I could not live my life in this type of setting if my initial reaction were correct. I found it interesting that my first reaction was to be judgemental and to assume the worst. We do that in lots of circumstances so why not this one as well.
The upside is that Angela knows this person and can check in once in a while to asscertain safety. She also has the opportunity for have this friend over to see modeled a healthier relation between her and Jon.
I do think we all now know one family that we all should remember to pray for as they grow their relationship.
I would suggest that from this story alone we can't know that this is an unhealthy relationship. Like anonymous said, we might find it easy to assume the worst at first, but in the story we don't see body language, tone of voice, unheard conversations between the two of them, etc.
From what I know of my friends, they do live according to the Biblical principle that the man is the head of the household, and they do so in agreement. The wife does not feel degraded or abused (to my knowledge), and this is a way of life that they have chosen together. It's also possible that they had just had a fight about chores (I know Jon and I occasionally fight over such things), and maybe he was still upset and threw that out there before he left for work. All I am saying is that while it may be easy to assume the worst, that's probably not the best thing to do with such limited information.
You think??
I read this last night and it struck me in a huge way. I actually had a vivid dream about it last night(in my dream I was telling another person about it, and asking them what they thought)! Anyway, you're right, it is easy to assume the worst here. To me it screams verbal abuse. I could never be in that situation and NOT feel degraded. However having said that, you are absolutely correct in the sense that there are a million circumstances that could have led to that statement. As long as the wife is confident and comfortable with that type relationship and love is really at the center, than I guess there is no room to judge! Sorry if I'm sounding a bit overdramatic here, but again that is just my gut reaction.
My thoughts?
Is she a child?
A maid?
Is he a jerk??? Cause he sure sounds like one.
Me again. I am 100% for the man being the head of a household - but to my ears this sounds like a total degrading way to speak to your wife, ESPECIALLY front of a guest. Also, because I have an overactive imagination, I read into it like this...
-husband is controlling
-husband is insecure
-husband does NOT like wife spending the day with a friend and wants to make sure she knows her place and responsibility in the family - like "hey, missy, don't think you're going to sit and chit-chat all day"
-husband is a JERK...oh did I say that already...
Oy. I do feel badly passing this judgement, even in my imagination -lol - but really WHO talks to someone like that...couldn't he have spoken to her quietly before leaving - I mean, he WANTED you to hear him exerting his headship. EWWWWWW. NOT. A. FAN.
Boy, the stories I could tell early on in our marriage. The assumptions we made. I came from a church that really pushed that the man was the head of the house so strong that some couples I know took it to the extreme. The man did NOTHING at home and the wife did everything. Also, she didn't do anything at all without asking his permission. It absolutely drove me nuts to watch this. Especially because she would confide in me her desire to end the marriage because of the way he treated her and yet, she felt it was Biblical.
I think whether biblical or not marriage is "work" and at times needs to be "play". Although I've been married 22 years, you would think we would know each other so well that there would be no misunderstandings......well, maybe there are less misunderstandings, but we still have them.
I think it's biblical to have a mutual respect for one another. YOu know "love one another". Some churches only remember the scripture about wives submitting to the husband and the husband being the head of the home and it produces in people's minds sometimes a twisted view of what that is. Maybe if we would just focus on "love one another", the respect, the love, the consideration, etc. would be mutual and produce a healthy relationship of equal give and take and share and love. Okay, I've rambled long enough. Ken just went up to bed and asked me to check the back door before I go up. MAN! What a pain! :) (kidding)
Ang, I'm glad to see another post. I've been waiting.
Anyway, it's interesting that on Dave and Betsy's blog they've been addressing a similar issue. I went back a read the results from their survey and found that a large majority of people who responded question the interpretation of the Bible as man being head of the household. Here are the results:
Do you believe the man should have the "final say" in a relationship when an issue can't be decided mutually?
Yes - 29%
No - 61%
Not sure - 9%
What do you believe about the Biblical basis for the man as "Head of Household"?
It's cultural, not prescriptive, and I believe in partnership instead. - 69%
It does apply today and my family operates that way. - 23%
Not Sure - 6%
So, it's interesting that what some think is Biblical, others interpret differently.
Amy
I see your point Ang, that this may not be what it seems. As I and many said, to act the way this husband acted "in front" of non-family members is not only wrong, but definitely not Biblical. But then again, we aren't seeing the whole movie, just a frame.
But my bigger question lies in what Amy brought up with the Biblical model that keeps getting thrown around. Does a wife's submission to her husband mean "leader"? If you think so, how do you draw that conclusion? Hopefully not from that one verse; we could get (and have gotten over the years) into big trouble basing our faith and reasoning on a single scripture verse. I've admittedly never taken a Bible class, so if there's more than just that verse to back up that lifestyle then I'm sorry for asking in such a way. But even if there are two or three, well, you get the idea.
I wish the conversation had taken this turn, Wifey: "O.K. Honey and you better make lots of money today for our family or I might not think you the man you ought to be..."
O.K. that was 1/2 in jest and 1/2 in frustration. I'm just, obviously, not a box person when it comes to genders. If people want to have the arrangement that Head of Household means providing for their family and being the only one working outside the home and the wife has control of the inner home and sees raising her family as her job...so be it, if it works for them. It doesn't work for Dave and I; we just see ourselves as partners in every way - at some phases I will probably earn more and at other times he will earn more, sometimes he cleans more than me, and sometimes I like to clean (this is actually a very rare occasion)...you get the point.
I have, however, known many women, who stay at home and who have accepted domestic duties as their sole responsibility, however, always feeling they can never do enough...the dishes, the toys, the laundry, the meals, the grocery shopping, etc... It seems as though they are just trying to take on so much, by themselves.
Even if this women smiled and said, "O.K. Honey..." I'm still curious about what is really going on inside her, maybe she's o.k. now with it, but maybe she won't always be. Maybe it bothers her deep down, but she smiles and accepts that it is her job to "keep home", and she knows her husband expects it, even if she would like to share some of it with her husband, who knows...
All I know is that I too probably would've laughed outloud Ang, and then thought to self, oh crap...they're really not kidding.
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