The Journey Continues

It's been a little while since I've posted. I've wanted to put this one together for awhile now, but just haven't - for many reasons. But, here it is - nothing great, nothing controversial, nothing powerful, just more about life's journey.

Hindsight is an amazing thing, I think. I often ask God "why?" Why is that one option which looked so perfect for us, just felt so wrong in the end, or why is it that a particular door was opened which we never expected? What is HIS plan for us? Jon and I try very hard to remain in God's will for us - going where He leads, and doing what He asks. We've kept ourselves open to moves and changes as we see Him leading, and so far He's been so faithful. I look back on all the decisions we've made in the past in our following after God, and while they didn't always make sense at the time, it is almost always completely clear why we were there, doing what we were doing.

Our journey has taken us down many unexpected roads recently. Since August, Jon has been unemployed - kind of looking for a new job, but also holding out in case the one he's been with works out in the spring. We've wondered when enough is enough and we should start looking outside of this area. But, for the moment, we do not feel like God is releasing us from this area. We haven't been here very long, and we feel like God has really put us to work here. So, we wait. Trust and obey. Each day is a challenge - especially for Jon who feels the natural need to be providing for his family. But, despite the challenge of his unemployment, we've truly seen God's faithfulness in so many ways - people helping out financially, gifts for the kids, free groceries through WIC, free insurance...

The free insurance is a huge one - especially now that we've found out that we will be having another baby. Yup, that's right, folks. In the midst of the insanity, life threw us a curve ball. Day one of knowing about this was particularly difficult. But, one of God's many provisions through all these changes has been an overwhelming sense of optimism...especially for Jon who often has a more difficult time seeing the good through the "storms". We might have called this pregnancy a storm at first, but truly our hearts have changed. We've already had the privilege of seeing this little 7 1/2 week old embryo twice by ultrasound, with it's little beating heart and tiny limbs forming. It is so miraculous. For about a week there was concern that everything was not okay. When we found out this past Wednesday that the baby was fine, Jon and I were incredibly relieved. It's amazing how quickly something can become a blessing - something can become a love in your life.

So, today as our journey changes in one way and stays the same in another, we celebrate this journey. You can all say, "I told ya so!" and you guys did call it! While we weren't expecting this new addition to life, it seems you were, and now we rejoice in it with you. It does feel crazy, and maybe it is, but I KNOW God will continue to use us, and I KNOW God has a plan for this baby!

(Baby will be born at the end of July by c-section...and I WILL be having my tubes tied the same day! Please pray with us that everything goes smoothly for the baby.)

How the Big Day Went...

Our Thanksgiving Celebration with our Kingdom Meal friends was awesome! Here are a few things to remember from the day:

1. Caleb is my favorite four year old ever! When the caravan of KMM people arrived, Caleb asked who all they were. When I told him they were our Kingdom Meal friends, he literally jumped up from his toys, ran over to a table where he grabbed some small plates, went and found a basket of rolls, plated them all, and hand delivered a roll to each person. We were not planning to even do that, and no one asked him to do a thing. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply answered, "I'm serving." God is doing amazing things in that boy's heart!

2. Our KMM friends really needed to know they are loved - even outside of KMM. When we arrived at the Salvation Army - our pick-up site - people asked if they could hug us. They knew we were there just for them, because we wanted to spend our holiday with them. It was a beautiful and very touching thing.

3. There is such sadness in the lives of many of these people. One friend asked for prayer for her nephew Jeffrey who had been shot three days before - once in the chest and twice in the back, and no one was sure if he was ever going to walk again. Another woman told me of how some years back her husband tried to snap her spine by dropping her on her back over an ottoman. Because of this abuse, not only has her life been scarred, but she can't even hold a job because of her back injuries (along with some mental illnesses, she added). My heart really does break for these people.

4. With love comes freedom. Four friends were just crazy about the instruments and microphones. I don't even know how to describe the picture of them singing and playing other than just 'free'. No one was judging them, or looking down on them, or expecting anything of them. They were free to do what they wanted and be who they really were. It was fun to watch. And, I was so proud of my mom for being right up there with them, singing into her fake mic, and dancing around the stage. Another guy from KMM, who is normally quite the tough guy, with aggression and attitude, showed his softer side when he was playing ring-around-the-rosie with my kids and my mom. It was the same deal for him - no one judging him, or expecting him to be tough. He felt comfortable and he felt loved...so he played! It was very cool!

5. One of the girls who came to help out was such an amazing young person. By the way she talked, I would have guessed that she'd been a Christian her whole life. She's 17 and she just 'gets it'. She went on with passion about how she's seen how many Christians in this world just really screw things up - judging, hating, condemning, discriminating, isolating themselves, and representing Christ in such an un-Christ-like way. I came to find out that she's been a Christian for just a year. Perhaps that's why she gets it. She hasn't been brought up in the tradition of rules and judgments. She was such a breath of fresh air.

6. I was blown away by how the New Hope community really grabbed hold of this as an opportunity to love and serve our neighbors. SO MUCH food was donated, and prepared by people who weren't even able to be there for the actual event. There was so much extra food that every single person went home with enough food to last them a week. We were planning for 75, had about 40 people show up, and had enough food for about 120. Everyone was thrilled to be able to fill their bellies while they were there, but also to know that they would have food for the next week (including dessert!).

Thursday was an amazing time, and I believe God was with us, from beginning to end. I'm excited to see how people respond on Sunday when we see them again at Kingdom Meal. I'm also excited to make this an annual event. Why shouldn't every Thanksgiving be spent like this? I can't think of a single thing I'd rather have done that day.

Thanks for your thoughts, prayers, encouragement, donations, time and energy!

Thanksgiving With Family

Here I am requesting prayer...

For those who aren't New Hopers, and don't know what we're doing for Thanksgiving, I'd like to fill you in for just a minute. A couple of weeks ago, Jon and I were talking about our plans for Thanksgiving, which were to go to my parents house and hang out with the fam. for the day. I had been having this feeling for awhile like maybe we should invite a family that we had met at Kingdom Meal to share the day with our family. The more we talked about it, the harder it became to narrow down who the invitation would go to. So, we decided we would run it by our family - who all gave the idea two thumbs up - and just hand out a general invitation to the guests who come each week to Kingdom Meal. We did just that, and it turns out that 59 people have signed up to come!! WOW!

That means a couple of different things for me. First, it means that 59 people we know and love don't have anything else to do on that day. Maybe they have no family. Maybe they have no money. Maybe they've lost loved ones. Maybe they are lonely. Maybe they don't have a home. Maybe, maybe, maybe so many things. It breaks my heart. But, second, it means that 59 people that I have spent the last 6 months getting to know and love, trust and love Jon and I enough to get in our car, drive out of Youngstown, and spend their holiday with us. That is a very humbling idea to me.

We sent the word out to our church (where this now quite large get-together will be held) and people have really stepped up to participate through their attendance, through donations, and through their amazing cooking abilities. Even though all of New Hope won't be directly involved, it feels like it is a great bonding experience (for lack of a better term), and I'm excited to see the fire lit under others in the community.

I'm so glad that God laid this idea on our hearts, and that we were obedient (as often I am not). PLEASE pray with us that He will be seen and that through us, His love will shine. I believe He wanted to us to do this for a reason - for His Kingdom.

We'll take some pictures, and let you all know later how it goes. This is exciting!

"Food For Thought"

A guy Jon and I went to school with recently posted a blog that really got us thinking. You can read it here. He asks, in so many words, if we are to sort of drop everything and do what we feel God is asking us to do, or if we are to use common sense and think our way through it - making sure our family is provided for, our retirement funds are substantial enough to sustain us later, etc.

It really got Jon and I thinking. Certainly, if we feel God is calling us to do something, we should ideally trust Him and go...knowing that He will provide for our needs. But, what are our needs? Food? Water? Shelter? Electricity? A Microwave? A vehicle? An Ipod?

Last February when Jon and I were packing up our two babes to move to Kenya for four months, many people thought we were crazy. This isn't speculation, people actually told us this. Maybe we were, but in that moment, we knew we were going where God was calling, and doing what He was asking us to do. We had an apartment with two bedrooms (separated by pieces of plywood, mind you, but two rooms none the less!) and we were grateful! We had food to eat (it was different, but we adjusted and really enjoyed it). We did not have electricity, clean water to drink, a nice shower to use, a fridge, microwave and all the other conveniences. Life was very different for us - we'd made sacrifices, yet we still lived far above the poverty level in Kenya. So again, we are asking what our needs really are. Do we "need" the best food and technology to survive, or can we live on, say, rice and beans for dinner every night?

So many people around the world can only afford beans and rice as a meal for the day...if they can afford anything at all. So, we have decided to challenge ourselves to eat this meal for dinner each night for one month. We hope this will help us to remember those around the world who God has laid on our hearts to love and to help. Also, each night at dinner, we will plan to put at least $1 into a pot at the center of the table to represent what we are not spending on a normal, more lavish feast, and at the end of the 30 days will put that money towards a program to feed those in need...or towards a future mission trip.

For the season of Lent, we plan to put together a packet for others who may be interested in participating in this. Along with other tools and ideas, we will have "Food For Thought" cards for each of the 40 days, with stories of a family or individual around the world who are in such a situation. These can be read at dinner, as we eat our beans and rice and think and pray for those in need. Perhaps at the end of the 40 days, any New Hopers involved can put their $40 or $80 or whatever they have decided to give, towards an upcoming mission trip. (Hopefully by Lent we will be much further into the planning of this trip.) Those of you from other churches may want to do something similar with your community, and we are excited about getting information to you, too. This could be a very big, very cool thing to help make people aware of what others go through all around the world.

With Caleb's curiosity being so peaked about friends and others in need, we think this is such a great time to introduce something like this challenge into our family. I'm excited to see how it all plays out, and I'm excited to really focus on the needs in our world, and be more inspired to do something about it.

We know that God has given us a passion for those in need, and we are willing to go and do what He asks of us. We're pretty pumped about doing what we can to be God's hands and feet to His people. What a privilege that we don't deserve!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CALEB!!

My oldest turned four on Sunday...where has the time gone?



Caleb is having a little party on Thursday, so we didn't do any "birthday" stuff on Sunday. I debated with myself about whether or not to go to Kingdom Meal this week or not, since it was Caleb's birthday. Then, I thought, "why not bring Caleb?!" So, I did, and it was just about the most precious thing I've ever seen. He knows that Mommy goes each week to serve food to people who don't have enough, and he knows that's where I met our friend May-May, but he'd never come with me before. I was hesitant to bring such a young helper for fear that he'd be more hassle than help, but he proved me wrong! He got right to work helping me set out cups and pour people's drinks. After all the set up and drink service, we sat down with a little boy named Damarje and his mom way at the back of the gym. Damarje is four, like Caleb, and they were instant friends. When it was time to serve food, Caleb came with me to the window to get plates. He took one all by himself, and went off without me, turning his head while he was walking to tell me that he wanted to make sure Damarje got some dinner. He walked past everyone to go feed his friend. He never asked any questions of his new friend, he just gave him what he knew he needed. Then, Caleb went back to the window for another plate, and brought to the next child he saw...he was making sure all the kids were fed first. Duh...why don't we always do it like that?! It was just the sweetest thing ever watching my little four year old put his own wants and needs aside and doing what Jesus would have done. At the end, Caleb got to eat a hotdog and then had a cookie. While he was eating his cookie, I told him I would just go clean up a little. He told me he'd come clean too, and that he would eat his cookie later. Seriously, is this the Caleb I know? Leaving his cookie to clean? WOW!

I've often wondered if I do a good enough job as a mommy for my kids, and if Jon does a good job as a Daddy. I know that we make mistakes, of course, but this experience was an answer to prayer for me. Only by the grace of God are we doing an alright job raising these kids. I know I don't have the patience to do it on my own!

I started going to a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group last month, and the girl giving the devotional read the following poem. It really made me wonder what my kids see when I don't realize they're watching me. It was powerful. Enjoy...

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

At the very end of the night, after Caleb finished his cookie, he excused himself past our friend Lizzie who was with us, and he said he had to go tell his Mommy something. He ran over to me, so I knelt down to hear what he had to say. He said, "I just wanted to tell you that I really, really love you." I gave him a super huge squeeze, and felt like I had never loved him more than in that very moment. I am so proud of this little servant that God has blessed our family with.

Happy Birthday, Caleb! I love you!

The Simple Life

In our memory book from our time in Kenya, one of the captions says, "Life was more simple. Every morning we put our lantern out to charge so we could have light after the sun went down and the generators went off. We'd spend a lot of the day playing outside in the beauty of our new home. Jon had a lot more time to play guitar and write music. God taught us how to slow down and enjoy life for what it is."

Often times I forget to stop and enjoy the beauty and the simplicity of life, and have to actually experience it to even remember what that is. Yesterday we spent the afternoon at my parents' house about 25 minutes from where we live. They live out in the country. There are neighborhoods - sort of - but it's a lot more spread out. Life seems slower and simpler in these parts. I decided to walk "death hill", which is a 3+ mile walk up and down some big hills through a...simpler neighborhood. There are lots of trees, some ponds, farms, cows, chickens, horses and even some black swans along the route. At one point, I walked past a house as a woman was coming out, and she greeted her goats who were waiting for her on the front porch. Hmm, that's different (but it immediately brought me back to Kenya where there were goats roaming the streets, and up on buildings...as pictured).

As I was walking, I was thinking about a simpler life (not to be mistaken with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie's ridiculous reality TV show...which I am guilty of having seen a few times.) So often, as I've mentioned before, God has given me the encouragement to be still and know that He is God. But, I just don't take much time to be still. I'm doing dishes, or folding laundry, or watching videos or playing with the kids, or feeding mush to a spitting baby, or driving Caleb to school, or...just going, going, going.

This morning I decided to just enjoy being with my kids. So, after I fed Hannah lunch, and after the (superhero) boys finished decorating their paper-towel-tube trumpets, the boys and I marched, skipped and ran around the dining room table in a "band" playing instruments to entertain ourselves and Hannah for a good 20 minutes (some decent exercise, too!). It was simple, it was fun, and it boosted all of our moods to be together, playing and enjoying life.

At the moment Jon is unemployed. What a perfect opportunity for Jon to be still and know that He is God. At the moment my kids are all taking at least a two hour nap at the same time in the afternoon. What a perfect moment for me to be still and know that He is God. (But here I am during nap time writing about it instead of doing it - ha!)

Why is it that we get so caught up doing, doing, doing and going, going, going - even in our minds? I obsess over how I look or if the house is clean - and I get so overwhelmed with my thoughts on those issues that I end up just letting them both go...doing nothing around the house, or not eating any better or exercising any more. It's just so easy for my brain to just keep going and never stop - about so many things. I want my brain to be consumed with godly thoughts and ideas, rather than worldly obsessions. I want to take a 3 mile walk in my mind every day and just enjoy the simplicity of life...the peace and quiet of God's rest and comfort. I feel like it's in these times that He will speak to me most clearly.

God, teach me and all of us who find ourselves so busy to just slow down and enjoy life for what it is.

Maybe I'm Not Just the Girl Next Door

I had a funny memory this morning (which probably doesn't go too far into the past as I find I still do this a lot) when Caleb, Johnny and I were singing a song from one of their kid's worship CDs. Remember thinking you knew the lyrics to a song but you were just way off, and didn't realize until someone overheard you singing and made fun of you for your interpretation? So, on this CD there is a song about God having created the world, and about what He did on each day (the theology of that is a discussion for another day). The song says, "On day two, God knew just what to do..." As we were singing this Caleb busts out with, "On day two, the Noof is fun to do..." I thought that was pretty funny, and even funnier was Caleb's insistence that these words were right, and even funnier thinking about how many times I've defended my lyric interpretations. He's getting so old!

Recently, Caleb informed us that he had changed his goals for his future. For as long as I can remember, he has wanted to be a Monkey Farmer (where he got that from, I may never know), but he now wants to be a Garbage Truck Man. He's been fascinated watching the garbage trucks come by, with a guy hanging off the back - I admit, that does look fun, and I guess the money is good. Okay, Caleb, it's your life! I will admit, though, that I am a bit disappointed, as I was planning to live vicariously through Caleb in his monkey farming. When I was kid one of my dreams in life (this is sad, I know) was to hold a baby monkey wearing a diaper, and feed it a bottle. I was looking forward to Caleb's dream, but now I will get excited for him about riding the back of a truck for the rest of his life.

About two weeks ago, our friend Jameer came over to hang out (as he does just about every afternoon after school). Jameer is 6, and he lives in the apartment complex right next to our house, right at the dead end. I asked him when his birthday is, and he didn't know, but what he did know was that his mom drives a black Cadillac, and that it has rims. Ah, the things we find important to teach our kids. We've had Jameer over for dinner before, and that boy has eaten like he hadn't eaten all day. We don't know if our skinny friend really hadn't eaten all day, or if he just enjoys scarfing down loads of food like an animal. I asked him recently why we never see his mom and dad, and that we'd love to meet them sometime. He told his mom said that she would NEVER come on this street.

Clifton Dr. is three streets away from being in Youngstown. We have a great amount of diversity on our street, which was one of our favorite things about living here. It's awesome to see the mixed race families, the black teens hanging our with the white teens, and our kids playing with their black friends and their white friends. Our end of the street seems to be tough, though, and I don't know what to do about it. Our white neighbors to the right are a great family who we spend a good amount of time with. Our kids are good friends and play together just about every day. To the left of us is the apartment complex which houses a lot of black families, and it honestly seems like they do everything they can to NOT say hi to us. (This sounds like a general statement, but it literally is everyone who drives by.) I feel like I've tried everything. When our neighbors drive either in or out of the complex, and I'm outside, I try different things. I look at the car, waiting for someone to look over so I can give a friendly smile or wave. I look only out of the corner of my eye sometimes, so they don't think I'm just staring at them. I wave - even when no one is looking out their window. No one EVER even looks over. I just don't get it. It's the adults, not the kids. The kids are fantastic, and friendly and wonderful friends of our own kids.

One small breakthrough that we had was a couple months ago when we got home from being out with the family. I saw some kids sitting on one of the complex porches, so I went over there with Caleb and Johnny. There were about 6 kids, and when we went over we found out there was a birthday party. One of the adults came out and offered cake to the boys, at which they accepted excitedly. We sat on the porch with the kids, while they played with my hair and Johnny's hair with such fascination. Jon came over at one point, and one of the guys came out of the apartment. They talked for a few minutes, but it turned out that this guy didn't live at the complex - he was an uncle just there for the party. So, still nothing from our neighbors. No one else came out that day, and to this day, nearly 7 months since our move in date, not one person has even glanced over as they drove by. What can we do about this?

Last night after dinner, all five of us were outside playing, as we like to do every night before bed. The boys' friends Jameer and LaRon came over to play, and Jameer's cousin Jo, whom we had met one other time came too. Jo, who is 12, came right over and hugged me as if we were old friends - it was sweet. The boys all played catch with Jon (which was one of the cutest things ever), and Jo showed me some of her cheerleading and dance moves, and told me about school. I was so sad, because it was as if no one ever watched her, or got excited for her, or cared to listen to her. I took a few pictures of them all and Jammer acted like the kids in Kenya and Uganda did - as if no one had ever taken this child's picture before. How do we reach these neighbors through this barrier of culture, or stereotypes, or assumptions? I guess for now, we show these kids love - we show them how a mommy and a daddy can love each other and their kids. Maybe these kids aren't seeing that at home, and we are their example for their futures. Maybe I'm making assumptions...

Thoughts?

Here We Go...'Sexual Immorality'

What a conversation that has been happening about homosexuality! For those who have been following along, WOW, huh?! I know! Well, my friend Matt asked me in his last comment what my definition of sexual immorality is. I began answering it as another comment, then thought, "heck, how about I just be that 'controversial blogger' for awhile." So, here goes...

First, let me just say that while I am pretty sure that God may very well give the okay for homosexual relationships, that He doesn't give the okay for homosexual sex outside of marriage...just like He doesn't for heterosexual sex outside of marriage. And this obviously poses a problem for homosexual Christians, because in most states it is not yet legal for them to marry. So, next comes my "definition' of marriage.

Actually, my mom and I just talked about this very question. I guess a vague answer that I would say to Matt's original question is that sexual immorality is a sexual act outside of what God has given you blessing to act upon. This may be different actions for different people.

Okay, NOW come my thoughts on marriage. One of the cool things about God is that He knows us better than anyone else - even ourselves. He goes straight to out heart and knows us very deep. I believe He ultimately judges our heart...not our checklists or rights and wrongs. So, marriage...are we married when we are committed in our hearts to another person or when we check off everything on our checklist, 1.) ceremony 2.) priest/pastor/judge/"by the power vested in me" 3.) ring on the finger 4.) one witness to sign the papers 5.) marriage certificate??

There is a man and a woman who have been 'partners' for over 20 years. They live together, share family, holidays, love, sexual relations, etc. They are and have been fully committed to one another for all of these years. Is their sex life one of sexual immorality? I believe not. In their hearts, these two are married...more married than a lot of actual married people I know!

There is a man and a woman who have been married for 5 years. He is committed to her in love, friendship, sexual acts, etc. She is committed on the outside, but her heart is somewhere else...and with someone else. Is their sex life one of sexual immorality? For him, I would think not, but for her, I would suggest that she is being sexually immoral when engaging in sexual activity with her husband. There is no love or commitment involved.

(Side note: both are true stories of couples I know.)

This is why I have a hard time with the whole checklist mentality. I don't believe God has a check list. He doesn't have the rules that we think He does. He has a heart for His children - us. HE KNOWS our hearts. Sometimes we think we know someone and their intentions way more than we actually do. That's when we start to point fingers with our list of dos and don'ts. I know I've pointed fingers at inappropriate times. I know people have done the same to me. It's done nothing but hurt, not help.

If we are truly seeking God and His will for us as sexual beings, He will let us know what we can and cannot do to remain sexually moral people.

One more quick thought I have...let's say there is a woman pastor who knows without a doubt that God has called her to the ministry - to lead and pastor a body of Christ followers. Who am I (or anyone else) to say to her, "Don't you know what the Bible says about women in ministry? You must have misheard God - He would never have called you to that. You're wrong!" Similarly, who am I to say to a gay Christian, "What? God has given you His blessing to marry this other man? He never would have blessed that. You must have misheard God. You're wrong!"

If we understood God completely, the world would be a very different place. But, we DON'T! He is almighty, and so far beyond our comprehension - there's no way I can wrap my brain around it all. So, since I believe God doesn't have a checklist (aside from the ten commandments), who am I to judge what others are doing as right or wrong? GOD sees into their hearts, not ME!

So, now come the comments, I guess. What are YOUR thoughts and definitions on sexual immorality?

What the Bible says - and doesn't say - about homosexuality

http://www.soulforce.org/pdf/whatthebiblesays.pdf

I want to thank both Jan and Matt for the time and energy that they put into their responses about my last post. I was expecting "the debate" about homosexuality to begin at some point after what I wrote in my last blog, and it did. (That's a good thing, and certainly not a bad thing!) We all have different opinions. For me, I guess, the bottom line is that I am not convinced that practicing homosexuality is a sin in and of itself, and therefore will not judge a practicing homosexual as a person living in sin. The link I put above is a great resource for anyone trying to figure out where they stand on homosexuality and the Bible. I'll warn you, it's not a short read, but it's INCREDIBLY interesting, and I would encourage anyone to read it. (I especially like the fourth and fifth premises.)

Let's keep talking!

An Awesome Experience!

On Friday as I drove home from my first MOPS (Mother's of Preschoolers)Group, the boys were in the back singing along with their CD, "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, for all you've given me." It was such a sweet moment hearing Johnny try and keep up, and Caleb trying to stay on pitch. It was even sweeter thinking through what they were singing, and realizing, truly, how much I have to be thankful for.

I am incredibly thankful for the time I had last weekend to get together in Washington DC with a few of my college girlfriends. It was an awesome time of reconnection, and we had a great weekend exploring the city and meeting new people.

Our last night there we had the pleasure of bumping into some guys who ended up taking us bar hopping. It sounds worse than it was, I assure you! Ben, Mark and Drew, three gay men, struck up a conversation with us on our way back to our hotel at about 11:00 Saturday night. Immediately we felt comfortable with them, and just laughed and had a good time chatting. They invited us with them to a gay bar, which none of us had ever been to before. I was SO excited about it. We had such a great time hanging out with them, having a drink (for those who need their names cleared, I was the only one who had a drink...), and just getting to know them and hearing some of their stories.

I was especially excited about this, and the timing of this because of our series at New Hope that we're going through called, "They Like Jesus, but Not the Church." As a church, it seems we've really screwed up in a lot of ways, one of them being the way we treat homosexuals. It's assumed by so many that Christians are homophobic, judgmental, negative people who hate gay people. The video for that week of the series was so powerful for me. While we were hanging out with our new friends, I had the chance to throw appropriately into the mix of conversation that we happened to be Christians. The conversation didn't go any further than that, but it really didn't need to. I'm left with the hope that God will use that opportunity for those guys to think about Christ-followers and realize that not all Christians (and I would hope this is true of most Christians)are stiff, gay-bashers who are condemning them to hell, but are loving and accepting of them as people - children of God. After all, we have ALL sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Who are we (whether we believe that practicing homosexuality is a sin or not - and I think I may not) to throw stones at another, when we sin like everyone else.

I am so thankful for this time which was a great end to an awesome weekend. I was so energized from this experience, and really felt in my element. I'm glad that God works in all kinds of ways, even through hanging out in gay clubs - or any clubs, for that matter, and I believe He will work through this experience - even if only in a small way.

What's YOUR Miracle?

According to the recent poll, we all believe that miracles do happen, and most of us believe we have experienced at least one at some point. There was mention of babies forming inside of a woman, which I agree is an incredible miracle that I have been blessed to experience three times now (and will experience no more, for those of you who think we're going to have another!). Since a whopping 11 of us claim to have experienced a miracle, I am curious to have you share what those were for you...for those who would be so willing. Simply leave a comment to this post for others to read. Thanks for sharing! I know that I am ALWAYS inspired when I hear about the way God works in other people's lives. God works in so many ways...even through dreams, I have learned (which is a topic for a post another day). So, please...if you would...share with us how you have seen God's hand in your life.

A Good Quote

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain!"

I received one of those, "pass this email on to three people and you'll have good luck" type emails today. I tend to just erase those, but this one I read. This quote was a little hidden gem at the end, and I liked it, so while I didn't pass the email on, I thought I would share it with all of you.

"Multiply, Jesus. Multiply, Jesus. Multiply, Jesus"

I am so confused sometimes by miracles. Do they happen? Do they happen like they did in the Bible? Do they only happen in developing nations, and if so, why? What is a miracle? Can something small be considered a miracle?

I wrote a few posts ago about an experience I had in Kenya where I truly felt that God healed my baby when nothing else was working. A miracle? For me - yes. Is it explainable to others scientifically? Maybe...I don't know much about medicines and sicknesses. But, I know God worked.

Sunday night at Kingdom Meal Ministry (KMM)there was talk of miracles. Pastor Rusty, the KMM president, was telling me about a meeting he'd had with a pastor friend of his this past week. This pastor had just come back from Mozambique and spoke of miracles that he encountered while he was there. There were crutches lining the outer walls of a church building, because people were going in and being healed. There was one night when the group had prepared a dinner of stew for some event. The people of the village heard of this gathering, and "crashed" the party, and expected to be fed. The woman dishing out the stew was saying as she scooped up each bowl, "Multiply, Jesus. Multiply, Jesus. Multiply, Jesus." The pastor said that after the whole village was fed, there was actually more stew left in the pot then when they began. Did Jesus feed the 5,000 that night like he did when He was on earth? Why am I a skeptic sometimes? Why do I doubt things like this. Why do we hear about an event like this and think, "That's a nice story."

KMM was special this week. I showed up at 4 like normal, and instead of finding all the tables and chairs set up and all the workers getting everything ready, I found a locked, dark, empty gym. I was the only helper there other than 2 cooks, and there were already guests waiting outside to come in. I worked my butt off setting up all those tables and chairs alone - preparing to feed 130 or so people. I was panicking that no one else would come to help. But, Pastor Rusty tells us every week that God always provides. We ended up with only about 10 workers on Sunday when we normally have about 20 or more. But this week, we fed over 200 people - I have NEVER seen that many people come to be fed. When panic should have taken over, I was surprisingly calm and it was a very smooth evening. People were happy, I got lots of hugs, people's bellies were full, and there were plenty of leftovers. Is this a miracle? I don't know. But, I will not doubt that God was at work there that night...as I believe He desires to be at work - everywhere - all the time. Maybe it's not whether God "performed a miracle", maybe it's whether or not we choose to see the hand of God at work in our every day circumstances.

I'd like to do that. My friend Stacy has done that in the midst of her storms of life. The connection to her blog can be found in my friend's blogs section...it's worth checking out, for sure. Another amazing friend just experienced a second miscarriage in the span of only a few months, but continues to praise Him in her storm. To me, this is miraculous. Where do you see God at work in your life? Do you see it? What are your thoughts on miracles? I think - no, I KNOW they happen. I'm just gonna keep praying, "Multiply, Jesus. Multiply, Jesus. Multiply, Jesus."

An Evening of Meltdowns

I'd like to describe for you my evening last night. Jon was at a guy's house doing some music recording, so it was me and the kids - all day - from waking hours until bedtime. By the time dinner rolled around, say about 6:30, Hannah began getting a bit fussy as she was tired and ready for her bottle and her bed. I figured she could wait it out a few minutes while I sat down with the boys to eat. She was playing in her room on the floor when I brought out dinner. I called it pizza to Johnny and an omelet to Caleb. Johnny was fooled, but Caleb wasn't. It was some sort of quiche thing (super yummy!!), but he knew I'd put spinach in it. Begin melt down number one. Caleb freaked out like I've never seen before. He refused even to sit in his seat. He cried and yelled and made a huge deal out of not wanting to eat this dinner. This is coming from a child who does NOT throw tantrums, is an amazing listener, and very rarely gets into trouble. I was floored - but patient. When Hannah started chiming in with her tired meltdown, I decided one needed to be a bit more out of ear shot, so I sent Caleb up to his room. Johnny, who had been doing an amazing job eating his "pizza" and who said it was "good" and "nummy", all of a sudden decided to play Caleb copier, and say, "No like it! Get down and pway!" I tried to convince him that he didn't need to act like that, and I reminded him that he DID, in fact, like this dinner, but he was already too far into playing Caleb. So, I decided I would send him upstairs and I would start taking care of Hannah. I got her bottle, and went in to a now quite thirsty and tired baby, and began changing her into her jammies. I got her arms and legs in, and one snap fastened when I heard a huge bang from upstairs and then Johnny lose it completely. So, to Hannah's dismay, I left her as she was and ran upstairs expecting to find Johnny had fallen off Caleb's bed or something. Turns out Caleb threw his fan at Johnny's head - wow, this is VERY unlike Caleb. They're both freaking out now! I calmly talked over with Caleb what had happened, when Johnny picked up a pair of pants and threw them in Caleb's face. I sent Johnny to his room and shut him in (he's freaking out, of course, over this), and told Caleb to get into bed, because what he did was not okay. He responded with a very worked up and very loud, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". I wanted to spank him - hard, but the situation had gotten so escalated that spanking him would have only made it worse - it would have helped nothing. So, I just went back downstairs to Hannah who was very unhappy with me by this point. I finished snapping her up, and shoved the bottle into her mouth. Finally, one quiet and calm child. It took about 10 minutes for her to drink her bottle, and I just sat and listened to the mayhem upstairs. Those two boys were incredibly angry and having uncontrollable meltdowns. It was almost funny. Is this wrong? Hannah finished her bottle, let out a huge burp and proceeded to vomit all over me. Perfect. So, before rushing up to the boys, I laid her down and had to go change my clothes. Finally upstairs, I went into Johnny's room, and got him ready for bed. We talked, and he was okay - eventually. Two quiet kids. When I got into Caleb's room, I sat on his bed and we just hugged for a minute. Three quiet kids. Phew! We talked through everything that happened, and then I tucked him in. I told him that even though I wasn't yelling at him, that I was still not happy with the way he had been acting. He said he knew. I kissed him good night and told him I loved him. He loved me too, he said. Then he said, "Mommy, even when I'm frustrated with you, I still love you." It made me happy to know that, and to know that he'd been paying attention all those times I'd said that to him.

So, normally under these circumstances I, too, would have a meltdown. But, something kept me sane; kept me calm. I have been praying for a long time now that God would bless me patience that can come only from Him, cause I know I can't conjure it up on my own. He granted me that patience last night, and I am truly thankful. I did, however, call Jon and ask him to pick up some ice cream on the way home. It was one of those "I just need to dig into to some delicious Handle's" nights. But...today's been great so far!

Supporting our Leader

For those readers who don't know, our pastor here at New Hope has just recently been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease, and after a tumor removal last week, is on bed rest for about 6 weeks. That stinks, huh!? He seems to be doing fairly well, all things considered. But, we miss him being in our gatherings, leading our community the way he does so well. So, I had this crazy idea yesterday that I assumed would be laughed at. I thought, how about those who aren't doing anything for lunch just go get fast food, and sit outside Paul and Stacy's house and eat together. Paul and Stacy would be under no obligation to help, or entertain or provide anything. We just want them to know that this community loves them, supports them, misses them and is with them - even when they can't leave the house. So, while Jon and I were doing music this morning in the gatherings, I took advantage of being up front to "announce" this idea to the people. I was a little embarrassed thinking people would think it was just a strange idea. BUT, after the two gatherings today, 40 people showed up with their Wendy's, MacDonald's, Chipotle, Subway, pizza, PB&J's and more, and we all sat outside on tablecloths just hanging out and being there - together. It was so great to see so many people ready to spontaneously support and love our leader and his amazing family. So, thanks Paul and Stacy for allowing us to intrude on your quiet time. We love you. We support you. We miss you. We're with you. We're praying for you.

Be Still. Trust.

As I was lying in bed last night waiting to fall asleep, I had a lot on my mind. A song came to me in the midst of my busy thoughts:

“Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know that I am God.

I am the Lord that healeth thee. I am the Lord that healeth thee. I am the Lord that healeth thee.

In Thee, oh Lord, I place my trust. In Thee, oh Lord, I place my trust. In Thee, oh Lord, I place my trust.”

This simple tune had come to me one other time in my life, just about a year and a half ago when our family was far from home and living in Kenya. Johnny was really sick and we had to bring him to the Kijabe Hospital – a mission hospital about 45 minutes from where we lived. He had been lethargic, feverish and vomiting for a couple of days, and had taken in no food, milk or water. It was sad. He needed an IV, but his veins were so small in his arms that they had to shave the side of his head at his temple and insert the IV needle there. He had been too weak to cry for the past two days, but when he felt that pain, he just started screaming and crying. I had to stay with him that night all alone, and I was scared. He received one IV bag of fluids, and in an upset and painful fit, he ripped it out of his head. So, they had me hold him down while they shaved the other side of his little head with a scalpel, and insert another IV there. Half a bag of fluids later, the IV just stopped working. It was the middle of the night, Johnny was making little to no progress and he was exhausted. They wanted to put in another IV, and I just told them “No.”, I couldn’t handle it, and neither could Johnny. It was just too overwhelming. So, I stood and rocked my tired, sick baby in my arms, and I truly believe that God gave me that song – the song I wrote above. I cried as I sang him to sleep, feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and desperate. When he woke up a few hours later, Johnny was ready to eat. He nursed and nursed, and drank water from a bottle. It was truly a miracle. When medicine failed, and nothing around us seemed to go right, God lifted us into his arms and carried us through – and I truly believe He healed my baby.

I believe that song didn’t just happen to pop into my head last night. I believe like before, God gave me that song to remind me that he is carrying me through. Right now I am dealing with some stuff that just feels completely overwhelming and out of my control. I am exhausted and feeling desperate. My “healing” may be a slower process than Johnny’s was, but the promise is the same. God is with me, carrying me through. He will not leave me nor forsake me. I need to be still and know that He is God. I know that He will heal my heart and help me through my moment-by-moment struggles. I just need to trust Him. And I do…not always an easy thing, but I do.

Another Jon-ism...and more!

Jon's not technically employed at the moment, so he's started doing some odd jobs for people. At the moment he's doing a kitchen floor at a friend's house. So, two days ago Jon called me and said, "I was driving away from Sean and Becca's house, and when I turned the corner I heard a sound like metal falling to the ground. I think I might have left the hinges to their door on the hood of the Jeep, but I'm not sure." Turns out, he did just that. Yesterday he decided it was time to replace them, so he hopped in the Jeep to go to Lowes so he correct his very Jon-like mistake...only an $8 mistake. As he was driving to Lowes to replace what had fallen off the hood of the Jeep, he noticed out of the rear-view mirror something fall, then he heard a loud crash. He had left an 8 foot long - that's right, I said 8 FOOT LONG piece of trim on top of the Jeep, and it fell off as he was picking up speed. Fortunately it fell to the side of the road, and didn't injure anyone or any cars. Seriously, though, who wouldn't notice an 8 foot long piece of wood on top of their car - that they had JUST put there??

I mentioned in a prior post how Youngstown is like Kenya in a lot of ways. Well, one way that our home reminds us of our four months in Kenya is that we have no dishwasher - except the one named Angela. Occasionally I let the pile of dishes get kind of out of control...like in this picture. An hour and a half later, all the dishes were clean, though - including the red cups (which we wash to save money - budget's kinda tight these days!). Notice how everything is very strategically stacked. I'm good! :) A few months ago I told a friend of mine that she had a great rack. She looked at me quite puzzled and a little frightened, but I reassured her that all I meant was that I liked her large, and spacious dish rack. I think it's time to upgrade.

Jon and I spent two nights and three days last weekend in Niagara on the Lake in Ontario for our five year anniversary. It was a gorgeous small town - maybe the cutest place we'd ever been to. Our B&B was amazing ('Old Town Country Landing', for those looking for a great get-away.), and the time there was just perfect. We headed to the Falls for one evening, and it was spectacular. We also got in some good people watching, as people come from all over to see the Falls. This is our favorite picture...even the Amish (or Mennonite - not sure which they are) come out to see the Falls. I don't blame them for wanting to see such an incredible view of God's awesome creation!

Johnny and Caleb have been training pretty hard lately to become super heroes. Caleb, in particular, actually thinks he's Spiderman. I think Johnny's Captain America. Either way, they're always on the hunt to destroy the bad guys. Caleb asked me yesterday with a very serious ready-to-save-the-day face if Boobie Trap was here yet. He's a bit confused, but I think his intentions are good.

My Week - Part 2

So, last week ended so well for me – or it was the start of a good week…or both – I’m never sure if Sunday is the beginning of one week or the end of another. Anyway, last Sunday was such a great one.

Jon and I had done music for the Saturday evening gathering, so it was great to be able to go into the 2^nd Sunday gathering just relaxed and ready to be with friends. I felt like I needed to be “doing something”, though, so I found myself helping my good friend out in the kitchen with the coffee stuff. We didn’t get much cleaning done, but we did get a lot of good conversation in. It’s so cool to me that God just works in so many ways. I went to the gathering as a form of worship, and was expecting to take part in singing, listening to the teaching, being in on it all, but my worship came in the form of friendship that morning. It wasn’t planned, but it was so great.

A few hours after that gathering, Jon and I dropped our kids off with a couple of teens (thanks, girls!) and headed to Kingdom Meal Ministry. On the way we saw our very first car chase. It wasn’t as super-speed exciting as I imagined. In fact, the car was going fairly slow – maybe 30 MPH…we thought maybe whoever was in the car was stalling while “things” were being hidden. There were 3 cop cars chasing at first, then 1 more marked car spun around to join the chase, and then an unmarked car turned a quick right to get in on the action. I know it shouldn’t have been cool, ‘cause this is someone’s sad life, but it was kind of cool. Oh, Youngstown, how we love you!

About 30 seconds after we saw this, we saw some girl with her car stuck out in the middle of the busy road waiting to turn out of the booze drive-thru. “Is she EVER gonna go?” I thought. As I pulled up close, it turns out her car was stuck. So, we pulled over and figured out how to get her car out of the middle of the road. She’d run out of gas, and people had been honking, flipping her off and driving past her for 5 minutes, she said. That’s not a long time in actuality, but it must have felt like forever – poor girl. She couldn’t get a hold of her dad and had no idea what to do. So, we left her there, and took a trip to the gas station to get a can, and bring it back to fill her up. She was grateful. I saw myself in her, a bit. Scared – knowing she needed help, but not knowing what to do or who to ask. We were glad we drove by.

Kingdom Meal was great. I talked for a long time with a girl in her early 20’s who is 7 months pregnant with her first (and last, she claims) baby. The baby has some serious problems with his liver, and he’s already on a donor list, and will need a lot of work – and prayer. She was so cool and calm about it all, and I couldn’t quite figure out why or how. She knew that she was doing all she could, and that this child is just not in her hands right now. It seems like she has a good grasp on how life should be as followers of Christ. We do our part, but ultimately, things are in God’s hands, and we just have to trust that He will do His part – and we just trust and obey.

Jon told me that he was talking to one of the other guests, a woman named Renee, and she started quoting scripture for him. She said, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want….” She went on a little more, looking to Jon for approval. She paused for a moment, and Jon said, “That’s great!” She said, “Yeah, that’s the shit, right?!” I love that. And she’s right! J

After Kingdom Meal, we went to pick up our kids at New Hope. Youth Group was getting out, and some of the parents and leaders were around, so a big group of people ended up at our house for a fire afterwards. It was spontaneous, and just so much fun. It was what community was all about. My house wasn’t very clean (which stressed Jon out a little), but no one cared. A couple friends and I just stood around and did dishes for the first 25 minutes or so. Then we all shared a meal together, and had s’mores and Coronas (not the teens) around the fire. We even had a marshmallow fight – and it was awesome! It was just plain and simple fun…with friends who feel a lot like family. I guess they are family.

So, Sunday was a great day that ended a great week - or started another great week…I don’t know. I’m gonna say something I never imagined I’d say – I LOVE OHIO! There it is. I said it. I may never say it again, but it’s true.

My Week - Part 1

This past full and exciting week was such a blessing to me in so many ways. It had such a mix of experiences and emotions, and I am so thankful for each one.

It started last Friday when I got to hang out with my oldest brother Mark and his son Christian for the weekend. They stayed at my parents’ house in New Waterford, and it was just so cool to reconnect with them after nine months. I love them both so much (and Cyndi, too, who I was sad wasn’t able to make the trip), and wish they could have stayed longer – maybe forever. We said good-bye to them on Monday afternoon.

After they left, our family and Dave and Betsy and JJ all went blueberry picking at this cool farm. My stomach is still not the same after all the blueberries I ate, but I think it was worth it – YUM! It was great to have a long weekend full of family.

Tuesday was Johnny’s birthday. I still can’t believe he is 2 – and even weirder is that he just turned 2, and we also have one child younger than him. Sometimes I do think we’re crazy to have three kids so close in age. But, it is certainly a blast! And the boys are such great friends now, it’s precious to see them run and laugh and play with each other.

Wednesday was “Mom’s Plus Dave” group at the mall, and it was fun to celebrate Johnny’s birthday with his little friends. They were so cute! Good times! Those moms (and Dave) and their sweet little ones are such a blessing to me. I had Micah Dazet with me that morning, as I did last week, and it was amazing to see the community of parents just surround him with love and each play such a part in helping to care for him.

Wednesday night was so cool. Jon played and sang at Caribou Coffee with Scott Couchenour. He was nervous going in, but did SUCH an incredible job. I know I’m a bit biased, but he was really, really, good. I have such a talented husband. It was awesome to see the place overflowing with people from our community, all out to support a couple guys they love. It was really fun!

Every Thursday we hang out with Scott and Jennie Couchenour, and Paul and Stacy Dazet (although, they’ve sadly been out of commission the past few weeks), and share dinner, conversation, and LOST together. This week we were invited last minute to go to Sean and Becca Ferrier’s house with some others (including Scott and Jennie) to watch the Steelers (boo!) pre-season game. I have no idea if they even won or lost (I think they may have lost), but the community was great! Caleb stayed up the entire time, and it was awesome to watch our friends just love him. He’s so entertaining and full of life. We loved watching him interact with our friends.

Friday evening I hosted a scrapbooking night at the church building. There were 10 of us girls, and we had a blast. It was cool, because everyone was working on their own thing, but sharing what they had, whether it be materials, food, good ideas, and conversation with the others. There were 5 new girls there that I had never met before, and they were so great! I loved making those new connections and learning things about new friends. Jon, too, had the chance to hang out with friends while I was gone. A couple guys came over for awhile and they just hung out in the back yard and talked. He had a great time.

Saturday was our 5 year anniversary. I can’t believe all that has happened in 5 years. At the end of the night, Jon and I were sitting around our fire outside talking about some of those things. In the 5 years, we’ve had 3 kids, lived in 5 different homes, lived on 2 continents, and been in 6 different countries. The path that God has led us on over these years has been an amazing and exciting one.

Sunday was an incredible day in so many ways! Too many, actually, to add to this post…I’ll wait until next time. Anyway, the week was a gift, truly, from God, and I am very thankful for it, and for those who played a part in this gift.

August 12, 2008

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY, JOHNNY!!!

A Big Responsibility

Wow, how time flies! The kids are getting SO big! Caleb’s summer school is almost over, and he’s going to start his first official year of preschool. He’s been telling us about a few choice friends in his class: Francesca, Sophia and Madison. This morning he told us that Augustine (another boy in his class) said he wasn’t allowed to be friends with Sophia, because she was HIS friend. The fight over girls has begun!

Due to some severe diaper rash, Johnny has started potty training. He had his diaper off yesterday from about 5:00pm til bedtime. He peed four times on the floor and zero times in the potty, and he pooped one time on the floor, one time in the grass, and zero times in the potty. It’s a work in progress. He seems so old, though. He climbs on anything and jumps off everything with some height. He’ll be two on the 12^th – I cannot believe it!

And Hannah is nearly 6 months old already! Where did these past months go? And my c-section scar is STILL sensitive! Hannah is sitting up by herself pretty well now, and has gotten her first tooth. I think I was under the impression she’d be a newborn forever. Not true.

I had a small group gathering yesterday with some wonderful lady friends of mine, and we talked some about how what happened to us in the past has affected who we are now. For example, I have clear memories of people saying things to me to make me feel dumb, fat, not good enough, not worth listening to, etc. There are things even my parents said or did that have stuck with me…not always in a positive way. It scares me now to have young children who are incredibly impressionable and who are looking to Jon and I to help mold them into the people they will become. It’s a HUGE job – one I don’t always feel cut out for. I’m scared to say or do that one wrong thing that sticks with them forever and gives them bad self-esteem, or leads them astray. I just pray, pray, pray, that I will have strength from God to do my “job” of being a mom to the best of my ability.

One day this summer we were at the park and overheard one child ask a 5 year old boy what his dad was like. This little boy responded, “If you see a guy who’s angry all the time, that’s my dad.” That blew my mind, and broke my heart. This was the way this poor child viewed his dad – angry all the time. Do my kids think the same of me? I thought about this conversation a lot over the next few days. One night after I’d had a tough day with the kids, and had taken frustrations out on them probably unfairly, I laid in bed with Caleb and asked him what he would say if someone asked him what his Mommy was like. He said, “I would say that she loves me very much.” Phew! I guess a bad day or two isn’t going to ruin my relationship with my kids. I cried out of relief and love at his answer. I asked him the same question again this morning. He responded, “I would say that she’s nice, and fun and nice and Superman, girl.” Funny.

For those who think we stay-at-home parents have it easy, and that we just sit around all day and watch TV or play, think again. We are molding people…physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. That’s a big, scary, exciting, rewarding, exhausting, challenging, amazing job – and I love it! (Most days.)